Now I know

Now I know. Now I understand why people post their most inner selves on social media...now I see...
Because they want people to understand. They want people to get it.
Comprehend..relate. 
Now....I understand. I just want someone to hear me. I dont want my screams to be silent anymore.
I want to be loud. I want us to be loud. very loud. I want someone to look me in the eye and say...'I see you...I know."

I SEE YOU!

I see you.

I. See. You.
I know.

Not So Much

I'm not so much stuck in a box as I am within myself.
This skin that covers me on the occasion will feel small, biodegradable.
So easily bruised, so easily tired.
And If allowed, I could easily sink into submission body and mind.
This Soul. Me.
If I were to fall asleep in my weakness, I will dream in the giving up.
And to give up means never waking up.
I must always wake up.
Me. This Soul. Always.

Savage Realism

I can feel myself slipping...ready to fall.

Flustered and stressed.
There's no one to catch me...no one at all.

So often I dream of my could be's.

But hope I for so little.
And pray for so much.

You'd think me a pessimist
but I will not use you as my crutch.

You say you're confused.
And you've found that spark..

But I see where this is going...
I'm waiting for that hallmark

I'm soon to be excused.

I am convenient.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
Running rampant.

I am not that girl next door.

If we haven't met yet...
I am Savage.
I will never quite be right...
But that's quite alright...

Thats That

As I keep ticking along
I plot their demise
I destroy their faith
But its not a surprise.

I am what I am
And I build myself up
Ill tear them all down
As I empty my cup.

The end.

©2007-2011 ~Solarisrenideo

**** The Babble

Im ready in two seconds to pack. To leave this town. There is no sense of responsibility. No sense of conviction. Blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol. Blame it on the lack of self confidence in the future. Blame it on a life of sheltered downers. There is no way in hell I can just leave my life. This town. If there is a life to call. Hungry for something more. But held down by your wants and desires for me. You just want me to be happy. Stable future. Religious forever til the walls shall crumble and ruin. Molder and dust away. And there is nothing wrong with that. I understand. I respect that. Except thats not what I want. Or is it? I'm all messed up. I cant quite see what you see. And I don't feel like that's the life for me....or is it? To be or not to be. That is the famous old question. Is it not? And if it is, does it apply to me. But of course it does. I am this walking billboard of defeat. Of the broken down. I have lost my way. I have lost sight of what I want. I have lost sight of want. What it is to want. When I walk through that door at night, I quietly go to my room so I can pound on the walls and scream at myself til the girls next door think Im crazy and pretend I dont exist til my anger has ceased to exist. But it never ceases. It never goes away. Its always there boiling under the surface til just the wrong moment. Bubble bubble Pop. Sorry to burst your bubble. But Im not quite sane. I never really was. Just blame it on the p-p-p-p-past. Blame it on yourself. Blame it on whatever helps you sleep at night. Because I really dont care. I AM STUCK IN A BOX!
What is there to care about in this life anymore? Can someone please tell me? Because it seems I am blind to it all.
I want to be wanted. I would like to be wanted. I crave to be wanted. But do I need to be wanted. Would it help my situation? And while we're at it, why don't we make this a drinking game. Lets see how many shots of hell I can take down. I want someone to listen to what I have to say... Want to hear what I have to say. Or do I really have anything worth saying at all? I was sheltered as a child. As a teen. As an adult. Buhahha but Im really not an adult. I was never able to call myself a grown up. Probably not. Never to the will be. I'm not very good at telling people what to do. I suck at making decisions. And I'm only now realizing that I can walk out of this room this party whenever I want. Party. A group of people who have gathered to participate in an activity. Thank you thefreedictionary.com I owe it all to you. Credit. Replay. No lawsuit. All in the clear.
And why was I even there. They don't even like me. They've made that quite clear through your actions of gossips and shit talking. Oh that's right. I was trying to make friends. Find some peace in this hell hole of burning class of generics. My bad for trying to walk into your group. I was never very good at sharing either.
And to you that I don't ever remember meeting. Your just so damn familiar though. I dont even know you and you got me to think.... Think in a way I havent thought in a while. It took just one little spark to light the whole damned fire. Its been burned out for a long time. So thank you. Or should I thank you? The words that you say, they'll never quite know....how they have helped me. Or could they have made things worse. You'll never know...and I shall see...


And maybe this is just a subtle way of letting you see. How I cringe...can you hear it? The sweet sounds of my nothingness...your nothingness...that is if your capable...

My Green Organism

Hello sweet paper.
My pen and its ink.
So long have I gone without documenting my thoughts.
My words.
My Desires.
My Dreams.
Only to myself do I make sense when I scream silently.
I pound my fists against the walls and slam the doors until the hinges start to creek.
I have no outlet. Nothing to hold myself from breaking.
The music that I used to so willingly turn to has become nothing more than static to my ears.
And the books I drowned myself in have sat untouched on my dust ridden shelves.
I am alone.
Here.
In this box.
I am alone.
Except for a growing organism.
Barely staying alive.... I try to keep it green.

Keys.

Ive only let a few have this key.
And one still holds it.
But its okay.
Ive changed the lock...
Plus one more just in case..