My Green Organism

Hello sweet paper.
My pen and its ink.
So long have I gone without documenting my thoughts.
My words.
My Desires.
My Dreams.
Only to myself do I make sense when I scream silently.
I pound my fists against the walls and slam the doors until the hinges start to creek.
I have no outlet. Nothing to hold myself from breaking.
The music that I used to so willingly turn to has become nothing more than static to my ears.
And the books I drowned myself in have sat untouched on my dust ridden shelves.
I am alone.
Here.
In this box.
I am alone.
Except for a growing organism.
Barely staying alive.... I try to keep it green.

Keys.

Ive only let a few have this key.
And one still holds it.
But its okay.
Ive changed the lock...
Plus one more just in case..

I am not Real.

I am not real.
I am only ghost.
He said.
She said.
I never really was.

A tiny prick turns into a gushing river.
And hair so long, it wants to be trimmed.
I am not okay.
They said.
You said.
I never really was.

Blinded by myself.
My own eyelashes.
I am more than just my skin.
I said.
Me!
I AM MORE THAN JUST MY SKIN!

But yet...
I never really was...

Open

I'm open to what he sends me and I am okay with who I am.
I pray every night with very few fails.
And I will never stop believing.
I just gotta trust myself to follow my heart
and keep myself in check,
knowing he'll never leave my side.

325

I have so much bottled up....
So much hidden from myself.
I would rather forget how I feel than voice my weakness to the world.
What happened to that girl who was so willing to talk?
What happened to the creativity that bubbled so fiercely below the surface?
Emotions running wild and dreams bigger than the sky itself.

I may be moody, but Ill never tell you why.
And I will scream with out explanation.

I am not here by choice, only circumstance.

Whats good for me?
The pills prescribed by a man who's goal isn't to help me but medicate me into submission?
My own self medicating?
Just one drink and a lung full of high?
Should my emotions be allowed to run wild?
Should I be sent away where no one will hear me cry?
What would Mother say...?
And how would my Father react?

I was once told I ask too many questions.
I told the teller to go shove it...
I would rather ask a dumb question, than to never know the answer.

Someday I would like to share myself with you...
But I don't know who you is.
Who I can share without fear my deepest darkest thoughts...
I would like to trust someone because trust comes so seldom these days.
I would like to love someone because I have had only one example of what it could be and I fear that it will never be.
I would like to feel like I can poor my heart and soul into someone and know they will still be there after I'm done...

but..

Just because I want something doesn't mean it'll happen.

Stuff Ive decided.

-Ive decided I would like to learn how to make my own scarfs. I'm the kind of person who likes to always be doing something with my hands, and making stuff is always good.

-Ive also decided I would like to learn how to be a car mechanic. Yes, you read right. A mechanic. Which means I will be making that my minor in school. :) Still working on my major....

-Ive decided I will become smaller than I am....

-Ive decided....that I have nothing else to decide....

10 things (jackin this from jp)

10 things you probably dont know about me.

1. I love to embroider.
2. I listen to songs I love over and over again until I cant listen to them anymore for a long time.
3. I love simple kisses.
4. I will always put my family first before anyone else. And I will always defend my family even if they are wrong, because they are my family, and you are not. But I will scold them later for being wrong :)
5. I find the simple things in life make me happy.
6. I cant go to bed without brushing my teeth and using mouth wash.
7. I own over 400 movies and over 100 novels (most of which are in storage. My room isnt big enough) and bout 70 children books. Im not sure on the last one, havent counted them in a while.
8. I like swimming alone. Floating on my back with only the sound of my breathing keeping me company.
9. I like driving.
10. Im stuck in a box, but there's a hole and Im squeezing myself thru.

Like Father like Daughter

My father is the one on the far right with the cards covering his face. This is one of the few pictures Ive seen of him as a young man. So odd to see him with such blond hair. I def. get it from him. I also get 1/3 of my strangeness from him as well :) Like father like daughter. ;)

Wish

I could really use a wish right now...
Or a hug..
My finger tips keep finding the blue in things.
My soul is untouched by feelings of love..
And I cant seem to sleep properly at night.
I wish wishing on stars wasn't so hopeless.

Hahaha

It is not

A guy I knew for only a moment. And he had an amazing soul...
©2007-2010 ~Solarisrenideo

Stuck in a Box

I keep playing this tune over and over again in my head, and all i can see are the walls closing in.
There is one way out. Only one.
I pound my fists against the risings giants of our future, knowing Im am too small to make a difference alone.
I am only one. Just one.
If I built an army, would you join?
We cannot do this on our own.
We cannot survive.
You and I, we are nothing without each other.

© 2008, Kinsey Collier, all rights reserved.

Blogging

Never thought Id get sucked into the whole blogging craze. But seeing as I have nothing better to do than sit here and type away my thoughts... I might as well...