Now I know

Now I know. Now I understand why people post their most inner selves on social media...now I see...
Because they want people to understand. They want people to get it.
Comprehend..relate. 
Now....I understand. I just want someone to hear me. I dont want my screams to be silent anymore.
I want to be loud. I want us to be loud. very loud. I want someone to look me in the eye and say...'I see you...I know."

I SEE YOU!

I see you.

I. See. You.
I know.

Not So Much

I'm not so much stuck in a box as I am within myself.
This skin that covers me on the occasion will feel small, biodegradable.
So easily bruised, so easily tired.
And If allowed, I could easily sink into submission body and mind.
This Soul. Me.
If I were to fall asleep in my weakness, I will dream in the giving up.
And to give up means never waking up.
I must always wake up.
Me. This Soul. Always.

Savage Realism

I can feel myself slipping...ready to fall.

Flustered and stressed.
There's no one to catch me...no one at all.

So often I dream of my could be's.

But hope I for so little.
And pray for so much.

You'd think me a pessimist
but I will not use you as my crutch.

You say you're confused.
And you've found that spark..

But I see where this is going...
I'm waiting for that hallmark

I'm soon to be excused.

I am convenient.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
Running rampant.

I am not that girl next door.

If we haven't met yet...
I am Savage.
I will never quite be right...
But that's quite alright...

Thats That

As I keep ticking along
I plot their demise
I destroy their faith
But its not a surprise.

I am what I am
And I build myself up
Ill tear them all down
As I empty my cup.

The end.

©2007-2011 ~Solarisrenideo

**** The Babble

Im ready in two seconds to pack. To leave this town. There is no sense of responsibility. No sense of conviction. Blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol. Blame it on the lack of self confidence in the future. Blame it on a life of sheltered downers. There is no way in hell I can just leave my life. This town. If there is a life to call. Hungry for something more. But held down by your wants and desires for me. You just want me to be happy. Stable future. Religious forever til the walls shall crumble and ruin. Molder and dust away. And there is nothing wrong with that. I understand. I respect that. Except thats not what I want. Or is it? I'm all messed up. I cant quite see what you see. And I don't feel like that's the life for me....or is it? To be or not to be. That is the famous old question. Is it not? And if it is, does it apply to me. But of course it does. I am this walking billboard of defeat. Of the broken down. I have lost my way. I have lost sight of what I want. I have lost sight of want. What it is to want. When I walk through that door at night, I quietly go to my room so I can pound on the walls and scream at myself til the girls next door think Im crazy and pretend I dont exist til my anger has ceased to exist. But it never ceases. It never goes away. Its always there boiling under the surface til just the wrong moment. Bubble bubble Pop. Sorry to burst your bubble. But Im not quite sane. I never really was. Just blame it on the p-p-p-p-past. Blame it on yourself. Blame it on whatever helps you sleep at night. Because I really dont care. I AM STUCK IN A BOX!
What is there to care about in this life anymore? Can someone please tell me? Because it seems I am blind to it all.
I want to be wanted. I would like to be wanted. I crave to be wanted. But do I need to be wanted. Would it help my situation? And while we're at it, why don't we make this a drinking game. Lets see how many shots of hell I can take down. I want someone to listen to what I have to say... Want to hear what I have to say. Or do I really have anything worth saying at all? I was sheltered as a child. As a teen. As an adult. Buhahha but Im really not an adult. I was never able to call myself a grown up. Probably not. Never to the will be. I'm not very good at telling people what to do. I suck at making decisions. And I'm only now realizing that I can walk out of this room this party whenever I want. Party. A group of people who have gathered to participate in an activity. Thank you thefreedictionary.com I owe it all to you. Credit. Replay. No lawsuit. All in the clear.
And why was I even there. They don't even like me. They've made that quite clear through your actions of gossips and shit talking. Oh that's right. I was trying to make friends. Find some peace in this hell hole of burning class of generics. My bad for trying to walk into your group. I was never very good at sharing either.
And to you that I don't ever remember meeting. Your just so damn familiar though. I dont even know you and you got me to think.... Think in a way I havent thought in a while. It took just one little spark to light the whole damned fire. Its been burned out for a long time. So thank you. Or should I thank you? The words that you say, they'll never quite know....how they have helped me. Or could they have made things worse. You'll never know...and I shall see...


And maybe this is just a subtle way of letting you see. How I cringe...can you hear it? The sweet sounds of my nothingness...your nothingness...that is if your capable...

My Green Organism

Hello sweet paper.
My pen and its ink.
So long have I gone without documenting my thoughts.
My words.
My Desires.
My Dreams.
Only to myself do I make sense when I scream silently.
I pound my fists against the walls and slam the doors until the hinges start to creek.
I have no outlet. Nothing to hold myself from breaking.
The music that I used to so willingly turn to has become nothing more than static to my ears.
And the books I drowned myself in have sat untouched on my dust ridden shelves.
I am alone.
Here.
In this box.
I am alone.
Except for a growing organism.
Barely staying alive.... I try to keep it green.

Keys.

Ive only let a few have this key.
And one still holds it.
But its okay.
Ive changed the lock...
Plus one more just in case..

I am not Real.

I am not real.
I am only ghost.
He said.
She said.
I never really was.

A tiny prick turns into a gushing river.
And hair so long, it wants to be trimmed.
I am not okay.
They said.
You said.
I never really was.

Blinded by myself.
My own eyelashes.
I am more than just my skin.
I said.
Me!
I AM MORE THAN JUST MY SKIN!

But yet...
I never really was...

Open

I'm open to what he sends me and I am okay with who I am.
I pray every night with very few fails.
And I will never stop believing.
I just gotta trust myself to follow my heart
and keep myself in check,
knowing he'll never leave my side.

325

I have so much bottled up....
So much hidden from myself.
I would rather forget how I feel than voice my weakness to the world.
What happened to that girl who was so willing to talk?
What happened to the creativity that bubbled so fiercely below the surface?
Emotions running wild and dreams bigger than the sky itself.

I may be moody, but Ill never tell you why.
And I will scream with out explanation.

I am not here by choice, only circumstance.

Whats good for me?
The pills prescribed by a man who's goal isn't to help me but medicate me into submission?
My own self medicating?
Just one drink and a lung full of high?
Should my emotions be allowed to run wild?
Should I be sent away where no one will hear me cry?
What would Mother say...?
And how would my Father react?

I was once told I ask too many questions.
I told the teller to go shove it...
I would rather ask a dumb question, than to never know the answer.

Someday I would like to share myself with you...
But I don't know who you is.
Who I can share without fear my deepest darkest thoughts...
I would like to trust someone because trust comes so seldom these days.
I would like to love someone because I have had only one example of what it could be and I fear that it will never be.
I would like to feel like I can poor my heart and soul into someone and know they will still be there after I'm done...

but..

Just because I want something doesn't mean it'll happen.

Stuff Ive decided.

-Ive decided I would like to learn how to make my own scarfs. I'm the kind of person who likes to always be doing something with my hands, and making stuff is always good.

-Ive also decided I would like to learn how to be a car mechanic. Yes, you read right. A mechanic. Which means I will be making that my minor in school. :) Still working on my major....

-Ive decided I will become smaller than I am....

-Ive decided....that I have nothing else to decide....

10 things (jackin this from jp)

10 things you probably dont know about me.

1. I love to embroider.
2. I listen to songs I love over and over again until I cant listen to them anymore for a long time.
3. I love simple kisses.
4. I will always put my family first before anyone else. And I will always defend my family even if they are wrong, because they are my family, and you are not. But I will scold them later for being wrong :)
5. I find the simple things in life make me happy.
6. I cant go to bed without brushing my teeth and using mouth wash.
7. I own over 400 movies and over 100 novels (most of which are in storage. My room isnt big enough) and bout 70 children books. Im not sure on the last one, havent counted them in a while.
8. I like swimming alone. Floating on my back with only the sound of my breathing keeping me company.
9. I like driving.
10. Im stuck in a box, but there's a hole and Im squeezing myself thru.

Like Father like Daughter

My father is the one on the far right with the cards covering his face. This is one of the few pictures Ive seen of him as a young man. So odd to see him with such blond hair. I def. get it from him. I also get 1/3 of my strangeness from him as well :) Like father like daughter. ;)

Wish

I could really use a wish right now...
Or a hug..
My finger tips keep finding the blue in things.
My soul is untouched by feelings of love..
And I cant seem to sleep properly at night.
I wish wishing on stars wasn't so hopeless.

Hahaha

It is not

A guy I knew for only a moment. And he had an amazing soul...
©2007-2010 ~Solarisrenideo

Stuck in a Box

I keep playing this tune over and over again in my head, and all i can see are the walls closing in.
There is one way out. Only one.
I pound my fists against the risings giants of our future, knowing Im am too small to make a difference alone.
I am only one. Just one.
If I built an army, would you join?
We cannot do this on our own.
We cannot survive.
You and I, we are nothing without each other.

© 2008, Kinsey Collier, all rights reserved.

Blogging

Never thought Id get sucked into the whole blogging craze. But seeing as I have nothing better to do than sit here and type away my thoughts... I might as well...